


Tell Me I'm an Angel

by JamesAeza



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, M/M, Overdosing, Poor Life Choices, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesAeza/pseuds/JamesAeza
Summary: Roman angst this time. This time I was halfway coherent while writing this, so it's hopefully better than some of those other ones. I might give this a second chapter if you guys want one. The title was stolen from House of Wolves because that came on while I was writing this.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Everyone, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 16
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

This felt different. 

He wasn’t sure why. Slashing with the blade, blood dripping, huge red gashes left behind. For some reason, he was afraid of this part. 

The only difference was that this time, he’d be doing it with the intent of death. He had also already downed a bottle of pills. 

Roman refused to do anything halfway. If he wanted to die, he was going to die. And right now, that was all he wanted. He didn’t want to think anymore. To feel. To wonder.

To wonder what everyone really thought of him. To wonder about the meaning of life. To wonder about the abstract concept of reality. To wonder about the void. 

Enough was enough. He was going to bleed out tonight, and that was that. 

So why was he so afraid?

He’d been cutting himself for years. Why was it suddenly different when he’d be cutting his wrists with a different intention? Something about it just seemed… gross. Disturbing. 

The blade was right there. So why hadn’t he done it yet? Was it his subconscious trying to keep him breathing? 

What was this, really? He couldn’t even commit suicide properly? Was it worth it to hope the pills would be enough?

God, no, he needed to make sure that when he was found, there was no chance of saving him. He knew they’d try, even though he clearly didn’t want to be saved. 

He glanced one more time at the neat envelopes he’d be leaving behind. One for each of the  _ friends _ he’d be leaving behind. 

Once again, never doing things by half, he’d carefully written the names Logan and Patton onto dark and light blue envelopes. The next one was deep purple and still neat, but not quite as flawless as the first two. He hadn’t been sure if he should write this one, but quickly relented. He cared for Virgil more than he’d cared to admit and had more than a few things to apologize for. 

The next two were difficult to read, symbolizing how difficult it had been for Roman to write them. First to the twin he often wished he never had, his feelings toward Remus were almost too complicated to sum up inside that green envelope where they were now held. 

Then the bright yellow one. This one had been a battle. He’d scrawled ‘Janus’ on the front, and the note inside was jumbled and hardly coherent. He’d apologized, insulted him further, tried to explain himself, and overall just dropped a big mess of emotion onto the page. 

It was better than nothing. Not that Janus would care. 

Roman glanced at the clock on the wall. Three in the morning. He was starting to feel dizzy and nauseous from all the pills he’d taken. He needed to stop putting this off. 

Screwing his eyes shut, he slashed sloppily at his wrists, pretending he wanted to cut something on the other side of it to convince his hell brain to cut deeper. 

4

5

6

Hands shaking, he took the blade into his other hand, blood dripping everywhere, and started on the other arm, strokes getting less and less coordinated as his consciousness began to slip. 

10

11

12

The blade clattered to the floor, the sound feeling way too loud to Roman. He just wanted to sleep, he slid down the wall, letting his eyes fall shut. 

Remus shot up in bed. Something was very, very wrong. 

What was it? That he didn’t know. But he needed to do something  _ right now _ . Needed to tell someone, find out what had happened. 

Standing up and finding a shirt, he looked around his room. What to do, though? He couldn’t go to Janus. Janus did not like how loud and uncontrolled he was. He would not take kindly to being woken at three AM. 

Virgil was afraid of him. He had made that clear enough. Patton just thought he was ‘bad’, whatever that meant. 

His brother did not like him. Remus had wanted to save that relationship, but Roman was just too stubborn. He understood. He was a little much for everybody. 

Maybe… Maybe he could go to Logan for help. Logan would just solve the problem and that would be that. Plus he was the only one who did not actively dislike Remus. That was an upside of him. 

Making his way to Logan’s room, he was about to knock when he had second thoughts. Perhaps he was just being stupid. There was nothing but a feeling to go on, maybe it could wait until morning.

He shook his head, chastising himself firmly. This wasn’t just a feeling. He’d woken up in a cold sweat. Something was wrong. With that, he lifted his hand and knocked. 

Logan groaned in his sleep a little, rolling over as a reaction to the unwelcome noise. He hoped to block it out, but it just kept coming. He shoved his head under his pillow, but it only got louder. He finally rolled out of bed, stumbling to the door and preparing to lecture someone about appropriate visitation times. 

What he was not expecting to see was Remus standing in front of his door, looking terrified. He did giggle a little, though, at seeing Logan looking so disheveled. 

Logan sighed. “Come in,” he muttered, desperately trying to fix his sloppy curls and shove his glasses onto his face. “How can I help you?” 

Remus stepped inside, hands clenched. Logan had never seen him look so young, so… intimidated. 

“I… I don’t really know. I just… I woke up, and- and I… I…”

Logan looked at him, trying the same skills that worked with Virgil when he got too worked up. “It’s okay, slow down. Remember to breathe.”

Remus nodded, and after a long moment, he started over. “I just woke up and something was wrong, I don’t know what it was but it’s important.”

Logan nodded. “Okay. Am I the first one you came to?” 

“Mhm.”

“Great. So you said you felt like something is wrong, so why don’t we check on the others, make sure they’re okay, and go from there?”

Remus was admittedly a little surprised that Logan had taken him seriously so easily. Maybe he could see behind all the stupid suggestions and upsetting imagery. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, but Logan’s idea to check on everyone else was all right. 

“O-o-okay.”

Logan looked at him suspiciously. “On second thought, you stay here, try to calm down, and I’ll go.”

Remus just nodded. He sat on Logan’s bed for what felt like a long time. When Logan got back, it was clear he was scared, but trying to keep himself under control. 

Remus stood up. “Who is it? What happened?”

Logan shook his head. “You stay here. You shouldn’t see this. It’s Roman.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the second part, this one took me a hot minute as I wrote a lot of other one shots in between. I just feel like this one deserves a little more story seeing as I dropped it off at an open point. I hope you all enjoy.

Remus was frozen. What had happened to Roman? Had that stupid dragon-witch he was always talking about finally gotten the better of him? Had he tripped and broken his neck? There were a million possible situations running through his head, each more violent and disturbing than the last.

“Logan, what happened to him? Please tell me.” He felt his normally steady and pompous timbre break a little against his will. 

Logan just shook his head. “I’ll tell you later,” he informed him, digging a first aid kit out of the closet. 

“What’s wrong? Is he hurt?” Remus begged for an answer, voice rising uncontrollably. 

“Just stay here. I need to take care of this.” And with that, Logan was gone. 

Remus needed to know what had happened to his stupid,  _ stupid  _ brother. And he was definitely not going to wait this out in Logan’s nerdy room. As much as Logan wanted to be taken seriously, he sure had a lot of geeky posters in there. 

Except apparently he was. Because the door was locked and did not seem to want to open. “Lo _ gan, _ ” he growled as he rattled the door on it’s hinges. When it didn’t give out, he slammed his fists on it. Hard. Until they bruised. 

Then he knocked over the bookshelf. And ripped the posters down. And tried again to force the door open. But it still didn’t want to budge. 

…

Okay, yes, he probably should not have locked Remus into his room. But he just knew that the darker twin would have an incredibly emotionally charged and less than ideal reaction to his brother’s… current state. 

He was careful to stay quiet as not to wake the others as he let himself back into Roman’s room. He looked so pale and quiet, almost peaceful, seated on the floor and body limp against the wall.

He slowly began with the deep gashes on Roman’s arms, cleaning them, closing them with suture strips, and bandaging them up. He wasn’t sure how much blood Roman had already lost, or if it was too much, though judging by the state of the carpet, it was probably somewhere near there. 

He then changed Roman into a non blood soaked t-shirt and sweatpants, noticing old wounds decorating his body. As he lowered the prince into his bed, he cursed upon finding an empty pill bottle. Leave it to Roman to overdose  _ and  _ slit his wrists. Though Logan supposed if he wanted to do something similar he may have done it the same way, ensuring that it would be difficult to help him. He clearly didn’t want to be helped. 

As if Logan could allow him to indulge such a desire. Roman was needed, in so many ways. He could hardly imagine the emotional toll it would take on the others, especially the ever empathetic Patton and his surprisingly caring brother.

And, oddly enough, himself. Since finding Roman some minutes previously, he hadn’t thought of himself, only of making sure Roman would see another day. But now he wondered how he would pull through if Roman didn’t. 

Sure, Roman could be over the top and quite frankly a little stupid sometimes, but there was something about him that would be impossible to replicate. 

Judging by the bottle from the pills Roman had taken, the best course of action in terms of that was to make sure he was full of water and just wait for him to throw them up. 

Now that Roman was patched up and peacefully unconscious in his bed, Logan went back to his own bedroom to find Remus. He really did feel sorry for locking Remus in, and he knew his room was likely a wreck, but he’d needed to be alone with Roman. 

As he unlocked the door and slowly twisted the knob, Remus burst out, looking extremely distraught, as expected. 

“What the  _ fuck  _ was that, Logan?”

As he balled his fists and tensed his muscles, Logan flinched back, expecting Remus to hit him. Not that it wouldn’t be unwarranted. 

But, strangely enough, Remus instead attacked the wall. That did not make sense. For all of Remus’s chaotic nature, he hadn’t lashed out, even in his moment of anger. 

“I think perhaps you should come see him now.” Remus nodded fast before following Logan rapidly down the hall, panic brewing inside his mind. He needed to find his brother. Immediately. 

When they tiptoed into Roman’s room, Remus froze, seemingly in understanding. “Oh my God,” he muttered before he dropped to his knees in front of the bed, taking his twin’s hands in his own and gently tracing the bandages. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry you had to do this to yourself.”

Logan let himself out. The brothers needed a moment. 

…

When he entered the room again, he found that Roman was awake and managing a sitting position. 

“Remus! Why didn’t you call me when he woke up?”

Remus just flipped him off. He supposed he deserved that. Logan sighed. “Okay Remus. Either leave the room, or stay out of the way.” Remus rolled his eyes before moving away from the bed. Logan got to work with his involuntary patient. Checking his vitals, taking his temperature. Roman stayed silent, wondering how long it would be before they got mad, shouted at him for being selfish, or just looked at him with disappointment in their eyes.

But they didn’t. Not yet. Logan tended to his physical needs while Remus stood off towards the wall, looking guilty. 

It took him a moment to gather the courage (and not to mention physical strength) to talk out loud. His voice felt raspy and unsure. 

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of his mouth. And he was sorry. Sorry it hadn’t worked. Sorry they had to put him back together again. Sorry for the dramatic and messy scene he had caused. Mostly, he was sorry that he was still alive. This wasn’t what he wanted. Or what was best for anyone. 

Remus hid his face in his hands, and Roman was shocked to see that he was crying. 

“Remus?” He asked, voice still shaking. “What’s wrong?”

“How could you possibly ask me  _ what’s wrong _ right now?” He snapped. “My own brother attempts suicide, and now all he can think about is how he’s sorry it didn’t work!”

Roman had nearly forgotten that Remus knew everyone’s worst thoughts. There was no hiding from him.”

“I’m really sor-” he tried again, but Remus stopped him. “No. Don’t. Don’t try to apologize until you’re apologizing for the right things.”

Roman couldn’t hold the guilt at bay anymore as it flooded through him. He’d made Remus upset. He was failure and a horrible brother and a waste of-

“No! Please, stop.” He looked over at Remus, who had his hands over his ears, tears streaming down his face. “I can’t take this. This is you torturing yourself. We can talk when you find something you want to say.” And with that he was gone. 

Roman turned over to Logan, whose stone cold mask was still in place. He began to apologize again, for being annoying, for making a mess, but Logan stopped him. This time the guilt almost took over, pressing tears out of his eyes. 

“Hey, no, don’t do that,” Logan looked uncomfortable, but tried placing his hand on Roman’s shoulder. Roman accepted, desperate for touch. 

He couldn’t stop his voice from breaking, tears from leaking out, as he confided in Logan. “Remus is really mad at me.”

Logan just shook his head. 

“Wh… what do you mean? Did you see him just now?”

“I believe you may be suffering from cognitive distortions. Your brother is not angry with you. He is  _ concerned  _ for you.”

“I… why?”

“For precisely that reason. You cannot understand why he would feel concern for you, because you cannot see your worth.”

“...Oh.” He searched for a hole in the statement, but as always, Logan’s reasoning was airtight. 

“Are you sure? That he cares about me?”

“Positive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this could be better, but then again, I did write this instead of sleeping.
> 
> As always, positive feedback and constructive criticism are encouraged, they make me really happy to receive. 
> 
> No excuses for bad grammar. You all have the right to destroy me over a grammar mistake.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that we all deserve a little more closure. Also threw in some Prinxiety for you. Enjoy the third and final chapter.

Logan had chosen not to let Roman move. Or stand up. Or do literally anything. He’d only been awake a few hours, but it felt like a lifetime to him. Besides Logan popping in and out and not saying much, he hadn’t interacted with anyone since Remus left. 

He could see the night turning to morning through the window. He wondered how long it would be until someone else wanted to come be upset with him. 

Not like he blamed them. He was upset with himself, too.

When the door started opening, it felt like door-opening roulette. Would it be Remus back to be mad more? Or concerned, or whatever he was. It felt like anger and it hurt like anger. 

Or Logan, with his silence and perpetually cold expression and extremist water agenda? He’d been forcing water down his throat, trying to coax the pills out the way they went in. He’d already thrown up twice, and he didn’t feel it stopping anytime soon. 

But it wasn’t either of them. It was Patton this time. And he didn’t look angry. He just looked… sad. And somehow, that hurt worse. 

Patton sat down on the bed next to him. He didn’t need to be Janus to tell his smile was forced. 

“Hey, kiddo. How ya feeling?”

“Umm…” Roman wanted to keep Patton as unconcerned as possible. He didn’t want to hurt the sweet and innocent dad figure, but he knew he couldn’t get away with a ‘fine’. “I’m… doing better.”

“Well, that’s something,” he sighed, running his hand through Roman’s messy hair. Roman normally would have protested, but as of right now he was still feeling a little touch-starved. “Talk to me. Please.”

Roman just shook his head, forcing tears back. Wait, why did he want to cry? God, he was just an emotional mess today. 

“Alright, that’s okay. Hey, it’s okay.” Patton gently squeezed his hand as he let a few tears slip. God, he really was pathetic. 

He sniffled a little, wiping his eyes and trying to compose himself. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. 

“It’s okay to be upset, Roman.”

He nodded, though unable to take the words to heart. He had to do better. Be better. He should be talking to Patton, comforting him. He looked so upset. But he couldn’t force any words out. 

So instead, he just shut his eyes, trying to breathe deeply, and let Patton stroke his hair and hold his hand. 

After several minutes, Patton squeezed his hand again. When he didn’t bother to respond, he asked, “Kiddo?” Roman felt too sluggish and tired to answer. So he didn’t. 

Patton took a deep breath, letting any smile or cheeriness he’d had slip away. Then he leaned down and softly kissed Roman’s forehead before letting himself out. The last thing Roman heard before he passed out for real was Patton whispering “He’s asleep” to someone and tiptoeing away. 

When he woke up, the person he saw standing in the doorway, anxiously twirling his hat around in his hands, was certainly not the person he’d expected to see. 

“De- er- Janus?” He asked incredulously. 

“I-” He coughed, placing his hat back on his head. “Yes. I am here.”

“...Can I help you?”

Janus, surprisingly, stuttered a little before he managed to get the right words out. “I… you… you see… I… I’m sorry.”

“You are?” He knew how difficult it was for Janus to say that, almost as hard as it was for he himself to believe it.

“Well, don’t make me say it again,” he sniffed, mask back in place. He turned for the door, clearly ready for this awkward talk to end, when Roman stopped him. 

“Wait! I… I’m sorry too. It’s a good name. Even if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t matter. You don’t ever need to listen to me.”

Almost invisibly, Janus’ mouth tugged into a smile. Just a little. He mouthed a silent “thank you” before turning on his heel and shutting the door behind him. 

That interaction could have gone worse. 

As he sat there reflecting, suddenly the door slammed wide open. “Roman! Do you have any fucking clue how bad you scared me?” He flinched at Virgil’s raised voice. He was definitely angry. But how does one placate the literal personification of anxiety?

As his mind raced, though, Virgil seemed to notice that he was tense, and trying to shrink into his bed. 

“Hey, no,” he began, rushing over to the bed. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

_ He’s mad at you he’s mad at you _

“Hey Roman, look at me please.”

_ Madmadmadmadmadmadmadmad- _

Virgil hesitantly placed his hands on Roman’s shoulders, and the dam broke.

Roman threw his still-stinging arms around Virgil and sobbed. Virgil looked uncomfortable before slowly lowering himself to the bed, allowing Roman to just cling to him and cry. As he coughed and his breath became labored, Virgil offered him a trash can, and he lost the rest of the pills, which only increased the loud sobs. Virgil just held him to his chest and waited for him to calm down.

Once his breathing evened out, he tried to talk. “I-I’m sorry, I-”

Virgil tightened his hold. “You don’t need to apologize to me.” Roman looked up into his eyes.

“Really?” He asked, and he looked so miserable that Virgil almost started crying himself. 

“Really. We’ll fix this. It might take a while, but you will be okay.” 

And with that, Roman just let Virgil hold him. 

Just after Virgil had fallen asleep on Roman’s chest, the door swung open again. Expecting Logan, he looked up, and froze when he saw it was Remus. And he looked awful. There were dark bags under his eyes to rival Virgil’s makeup, and he looked pale and nervous. Roman didn’t start talking, terrified he’d say the wrong thing.

Remus rubbed his eyes and sighed. “Look, I can leave if you want me to. I just want to tell you, I’m not angry. You just… you scared me. A lot. And I’m not easy to scare.”

Roman nodded. “I’m so-” he began before pausing with a slight flinch, remembering the earlier scenario. He took a deep breath. “I… I love you.”

Remus’s face softened, and he could see him smiling. Just barely. “I love you too, Roman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, all who did! And thank you for your comments, they really keep me going. I enjoyed this piece, I hope you did too.


End file.
